Monday, June 10, 2013
it is a lie if i say, i dont have feelings anymore.
they are an amazing friends. i had so much fun with them. we are very loving very gentle and very careful. we shared almost everything from food to clothing. we did a lot of things that we thought would strengthen our friendships. but yeah. i ruined everything. it's easy to blame everyone else but yourself when something goes wrong. despite the blaming games, i knew i contributed a lot in ruining this beautiful friendship. up until today, i am living well enough without them, life couldnt have been more beautiful with the ones i love, but i am haunted with the guilt and memories left behind.
it is a definite lie if i say i didnt feel anything every time i am exuded out from the list. every time and it is still efficient up until today. there are three of them now, and whenever they needed one more company to make it even, i am far from the list. not that i want it anymore to be in their league, it's just that i feel a pang of guilt and disappointment, whenever i realize that. maybe it is still a little bit difficult for me to accept the fact that everything has changed now.
i am still envious with the friendship they are enjoying now. i am envious that they are far off better than me. i am still here, the old me, lingering with my habits, no improvement, while they are too busy seeking improvement for themselves. they mingle with the other usrahmates, attend most of the activities. i am envious and upset with myself, for downgrading myself and refuse to mingle with them anymore. i feel that i am no good at all to be with them. i am so inferior. they would hate me, they would hate what i am doing. i am still who i am. talk a lot about entertainments, and i would still be who i was when i was with them.. talking a lot about so much things in the world when they have no clue of what i was ranting. it was funny. haha.
my friends now are amazing too. i mean, we click together. now that i have people who know what i am talking about, fill in the blanks of words that i have lost, finishing my sentence, exchanging ideas. they are flexible, open minded and fun to be with. i'm not talking to myself anymore when i talk about politics, movies, football! yada yada.
it hurts to recount the events leading up to the break up part. it started with me who didnt wanna be suppressed anymore. eventually, i had to stand up for myself. i cant remember when did it all went wrong.
despite the blaming games, i still miss them. i still miss all the moments we were spending our time together. the trip to my home, the trip to i-city, to the lake, to all kinds of restaurants, and etc. i woke up every morning thinking a little bit of everything. now, i am a stranger to them, same goes to them. we act like we have never had that history. and i am sooo careful with my words now.
and oh god. my brain is very creative with food when i'm fasting. the whole time i was writing this, the cake in a jar image is dancing in my brain. and its impossible to get it at this time. i am soo lazy to go out that i decide i will just have cereal for my break. thats great! when i feel like i can gulp down the whole shah alam lake and eat every kinds of food ever existed here. now, i sound like a very fat people arent i -.-
Saturday, June 8, 2013
People die in many ways..
How do i die then?
You know there is this saying, when you reach 40, you should worry and do more and more good deeds as those good deeds that you are going to make after you reach 40, can't compete the good deeds that you've done in your younger days combined. Wow i am making this complicated. I mean, if you dont change when you reach 40, its difficult. Because the good deeds that you are going to make after you are 40, cant compensate for your sins and time wasted in your younger days.
Long story short, we have to do good deeds, a lot of good deeds in our younger days. If we only intend to change when we are old, its not going to be enough.
Everything that you are proud of in your life, cant be of any help when you die. Sad isn't it when most of us are deceived by this world. Me included.
Those anger and vengeance, mean nothing when you die. Nothing else matters when you die.
When we always think that we are better than certain people.
How sinful is everything that i do.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
For havimg prayed subuh at the very last minute for like how many weeks, and i feel guilty about it. I woke up early today. Yeay. For the purpose of waking up for subuh. God made it easy for me because i was up 2 seconds before azan starts. Wonderful. Before my alarm can ring.
But the ugly side is.
Oh its still 6! I dont know what to do. Lets sleep back.
And there you go, i feel like clawing the wall because im sleepy and drowsy, im disoriented. My body feels like ive been falling from the 5th storey building. I can sleep soundly under the running water. Nothing can stop this sleepiness.
Semua sebab tidur lepas subuh.
And now i feel like
This is endless T___T
Tidur lepas subuh. Serve u right!!
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
i bought new ipad! yeayy! its a mini ipad! yeayy!
xie xie aa abah.. i know its not cheap.. the thing is my old big ipad rosak ready.. i cant turn it on and when i referred to the mac worker he said it is due to screen problem and yeah surprisingly i just knew that apple doesnt do fixing. they only do fixing for macbook. none other. otherwise i would have to trade in for the same model but the new one lah for rm1100.. might as well just add up 500 ringgit more to get mini ipad the new model with a faster processor and apparently better display and camera
hurrah! im a happy kid!
because i get addicted to games! hurrah! realracing 3 is awesome! fast furious 6 is amazing. but the downside is i have to wait for any progress that i wanna make. so difficult to win leh in FF6.
that is one.
i do not need papers anymore. yes. i love trees. but apparently im not appreciating my eyes. oh dear. dont you know that all this digital things can rapidly damage your eyes. power 175 not enough aa? but my point is, yeah. i dont have to bring notebooks anymore. i can just take down the notes in the ieditor apps and save it. its convenient you see. because i bring my ipad everywhere so there's no excuse for me to say, i didnt bring my notes. i cant study.
see. very rajin leh this girl. she deserves more ipad.
i can scan books, convert it to documents for easy reading. i dont have to carry books anymore you see. now, the beautiful thing is that.. i do all this with free apps! how can that be not amazing?
i can keep my lecture notes in it. well, basically i can view all formats from microsoft documents in izip. so.. yeah.. no need to print DSL or PRACTICAL papers anymore. i can just use my ipad. kata sayang pokok maa.
with the invention of powerbank. oh dear god. thats a brilliant invention. i can use it limitlessly outside. i can connect my broadband to it and make it as a router for wifi. with the internet, everything is interesting! see.
although most apps require money. those free apps are amazing too. such as find my iphone apps. that is useful for people who are forgetful like me.
its my walking dictionary. and i can define everything i read on it there and then. im a happy nerd!
i LOOVVEEE my transformer ipad cover! thats cool. like mat kool cool! see.
its mini. like me. so it is portable. easy to bring. unlike me. im mini but im heavy!
its everything inside a mini thing you see. i can bring it everywhere. this is redundant isnt it? didnt i just say that it is portable?
nah. now. this is more useful than my kenwood stand mixer. kenwood makes me fat by motivating me to do more cookies! more cakes! more baking! more more more. and ended up no one larat to eat anymore. they all wanna jaga badan.
now. when i should be studying for next week's endo. here i am singing here's to never growing up, writing a piece of worthless sheet.
tomorrow, is a lab session. and i freaked out everytime. i dont think im ready for clinic. yet. yeah. thinking of doing all this thing and having to face all this garang lecturers make me wanna pull my hairs. my curtains. my cadar. oh god. i need peace at heart.
now im hesitating whether i should balik or not this weekend.
now, im speaking manglish because of that little ziqa. very manglish one that little girl!!
now, lets get over this. and resume doing something better than writing my minds out.
mind is a singular or plural?
i will end up texting and sleeping. typical me. typical psychotic.
yeay again for ipad mini! yeay!
alhamdulillah. kesian orang palestin takdapat makan sedap sedap while here i am yeaying over ipad :(