Saturday, July 30, 2016

finally. after 5 years of labor.


yes, of course i would start with that lame sentence. cliche. of course i would be as lame when i finally completed my degree. of course i would think that my course is the most difficult thing to pass. i mean, who doesnt? each and everyone of us would look down at other people and say nope, my course is the most difficult. yours cant compare.

i dont know about other people. dentistry is all about requirements. not many of us fail the year because of our wrtitten exam. we fail because we cannot complete our requirements on time.

no. we do not fail. we do not even get to fail just yet. we cannot go into final examination because of our requirements.

who would've known these 32 teeth would have.. lemme count.. prosthodontics, operative, periodontics, orthodontics, paedodontics, oral surgery, preventive, oral pathology, oral medicine and general dental practice. whopping 10 departments, each with their own requirements we have to fulfill. because this course is all about skills. i can memorise the whole 536 pages of a book but if i can't do a filling without hurting you and killing your tooth then i am not more useful than a 5 cent in malaysia nowadays.

what do we learn for freaking 5 years. only to serve you better. we learn how to take care of your mouth, to save a tooth, to cure a tooth, to cure your gum, to understand what happens in your mouth, could it be something big? is the painless white patch in your mouth means you have terminal disease? is this pinpoint lesion you have in your mouth means your antibody is not normal? you dont have a full set of teeth? we learn how to increase the quality of your life by replacing the missing teeth. well, we have loads of different methods for that. wait, no. a short course is not enough. those replacements? we have to consider your gum condition, bone, age and the mechanical principles of every components we use. your tooth is dying? we can help you save it. it is okay even if your mouth opening is only as small as a cup and your tooth is there, far back behind with only 1cm width, we can do a life-saving operation on your tooth. what do you know. we sacrifice our back and eyes for your tooth. wait, your teeth are not in alignment. we can help you to change that. we can make you look better and feel better. we can change the position of your teeth. oh kids? they are a whole different story because they are very fragile and are the country's assets so.. 5 years to train us to be competent to at least handle a normal child on a dental chair.

who do you think would sew your torn lips after an accident? a broken bone under the eye? operate any lesion on the jaw?

we are not all about filling your decayed teeth, although that is our bread and butter. dentistry is more than that. a lot more than that i would say.

and of course my respect goes to our medical colleagues. learning everything about our teeth almost took away half of our sanity. let alone the whole body and its intricate systems.

theory is one thing. practical is another thing. big thing. 3 years of clinical sessions everyday for us to complete our requirements. to convince a lot of patients to receive dental treatment done by us, young and desperate students.. most people winced at the thought of going to the dentist, let alone receiving treatment from dental students. i bet they all think they are some kind of a specimen for an experiment. i tell ya, all of our patients are the brave ones.

dentistry did not come easy for me. i had it tough. i was on the brink of depression but divine intervention saved me from getting carried away by emotions. there were times when i had no achievement at all for the whole semester. it seemed that nothing ever worked. patients got away, cases got complicated. it was bad because things went beyond my control. i gave my best over and over again only to be left frustrated by my patients' conditions. for 5 years, i stayed lab almost everyday. sometimes, ugly things happened like dental cast broke beyond repair. some things got lost. so i had to call again the same patient for the same procedures which would often make my patients mad. sometimes i had to do the same procedure over and over again because doctors had different opinions. there were so many thing that went wrong although i was fully prepared for every clinical sessions. almost always. of course, few of my friends had it tougher than me.

i did not think that i can manage to complete my requirements on time. but miracle happened at the very last week. well, maybe few weeks before the semester ended. everything fell into place, i followed the flow, and Alhamdulillah He allowed me to finish this on time. i was relieved when my name was among the 22 people out of 50 who were allowed to go for final exam. but i wasnt that happy. i worried for my friends. the whole 5 years i yearned to complete my requirements on time, on the very day they announced the names, i was numb. is this really what i want, is this really important. does it matter if i graduate early or not. because.. what would it mean without my friends. i know i may not be a good friend after all, but i love them nonetheless. i want them to do well as much as i want me to do well in life. i may not do public display affection but my feeling is sincere. my friends are very independent. they rarely asked for help. i did not ask them often if they need my help because ego got the better of me and i dont want them to think that i think they are not capable or some sort. because honestly, they are a lot more better than me. they got to treat different kind of patients, challenging patients with complicated cases while my cases were mostly straightforward in comparison to them. i do not say this out of pity or whatever. it has always been the truth. only, i did not tell them because... why would i? they would think i was a mad person.

it really, does not matter when you achieve it, as long as you achieve it at last.

at the beginning of the last semester, everything went beyond my plan. i was devastated because i had to cancel appointments, i had to redo the same procedures, i had to deal with non compliant patients and i had to search for new patients. i had meltdown with my clinical partner in a restaurant, in public need i say more. i told him, there was nothing he can do to help me feel better. words that he thought were comforting were in fact, hurting instead. i just need him to listen instead of talking back. after that, i went back home and realized the only place i have to return to is my god. of course, i need divine intervention, badly.

and of course, like He said. if i make a step towards Him, He would run towards me. i prayed, cried as i might. it reminded me of those black days i had when i was a young teenager. the same feeling of dependency i dread from God. i was not sad because i was left behind. i was upset because it felt like everything i did backfired. i felt like my efforts went to the drain, worthless, not appreciated. i did a lot of self-help reading. i did not search for it. somehow these reading materials came to me in every way possible. there was one book that was close to my heart. by Yasmin Mogahed.

i realized that i had set my goals wrong. i got carried away with worldly business so much that i forget Him. i think He hold back all my plans because He wants me to slow down and get my feet back to ground. after all, He created humans and jinns to worship Him. none other.

i was the one who was at fault. i am only a servant yet i demand for a lot of things. from that day on, i refocus my life into worshipping Him. act like a servant. duh. not the other way around. He has the right to do anything to me, to give anything He wants, to not give me anything i want because He is my creator. He does not serve me. I have to serve Him. i really appreciate the meaning of tawakkul since then because although He has the right to do anything He wants to me, i know that His love is overwhelming. He loves me more than my mom. He wont do anything bad to me. so, whatever happens, i am happy. nothing bothers me anymore.

after that realization, everything seemed to fall into place. there were unexpected occasions happened that helped me in completing my requirements. ease me in my study. right until the end of the week. is it not beautiful. is that not enough to prove His love to me. He only withheld my prayers because He wants me to not go astray.

not even provisional. i was given the outright pass to sit for my final examination. that was very unexpected of me. all these years, i was always among the students who got left behind. warning letters from every departments overwhelmed me. i did not miss any of it except for periodontics department. me, who collected the almost-complete set of warning letters, can at last finish my requirements right before dateline. this is all from God. His willing. His love.

so of course, this achievement means a lot to me. it was a close shave. for 5 years. had classes from 8 am to 7pm everyday. every day. i kid you not. this is the end of my young and not so wild journey. a journey that shaped me into a better person. and this is the beginning of my adult and responsible life. a more challenging life. fret not, life is always full of stressful situations because this is not our final resting place. we will always have to thrive until the day we meet our God.

Saturday, January 24, 2015

its 2015 already?

you know. i should be studying right now. but since UiTM's student portal server is down and i cant download any lectures or whatever pdfs in there, so here i am writing. again. at last. by now you might have guess that i have exams coming pretty soon.. and by soon i mean.. less than a week. well.. duh. download learning material in the I-learn in the middle of the semester? pfft. i mean. who does that? let's wait around until study week arrives (if there is any) and we will all be flocking in the I-learn wanting to download this and that and cause massive server break down. everytime. why dont we?

well, first off, you have to know that i used to actively blog. pouring my hearts out. i was young and carefree, exploring my emotions and the world, excited to tell the whole world whatever is in my mind. um, with a great sense of humor i insist. but one of my best friends insisted that all my jokes were lame, pathetic, very childish. to be frank, he said. i was convinced that he confused frank and rude.

so i ran through my posts. i read from A to Z.

he won. yeahh they were all kinda…… immatured. so i deleted everything. mind you there were almost 200 posts. like i didnt have anything to do rather than reading all 200 posts at one time. oh boy, how free i was? time is certainly a luxury i cant afford nowadays. pheww.

it's 2015. time just flew us by. my sense of humor too. i now have none.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Shoes define who you are

isn't it? well, at least i think so.

i love shoes. i love to look at people who wear appropriate and nice shoes…. and it is not limited to women only. i love guys who wear nice shoes (and appropriate) as well. well, sometimes i think it is an insult if you are super-dressed from top to ankle, but you neglect the last part down there. shoes. imagine a girl wearing a beautiful dress and she pairs it up with a flip flop that we use to perform ablution before praying. guys who wear formal attire but wearing just slippers.. that's a turn off. i see many, nevertheless. of course i dont mean flip flop or slippers are no good. its just that you have to match it with your outfit.

many think that it's a waste to own so many shoes. well, not, if you can have it with reasonable price. i prefer buying many with acceptable price rather than having just one branded shoes and stick to just that one. i love heels. i am confident with heels, maybe to compensate for my petiteness :D but if i am planning to walk a lot, i would prefer comfortable flats. try looking around at ZALORA, they have a lot of shoes ranging from flip flops to heels. for men and women. who doesnt love window shopping? i do.


Shoes serve as a women’s important way of accessorizing their outfit. Whether it be high heels, boots, flats or flip flops, it will look perfect when paired with the right outfit (please, certainly not flipflops with a wedding dress and high heels with trackbottom). However, the types of shoes a woman chooses to wear actually shows to others the wearer’s personality and character. As we have our own fashion mood and style every day we wake up of bed, the selection of our footwear tells others indirectly about our personal character. The famous high heels is the common footwear every woman has in their shoe collection and often wears them to formal occasions such as dinner events, weddings as well as the office. High heels show that you are very confident in yourself and have a strong personality (is that me? is that me?).

ooo.. love.. who doesnt? 

The humble flip flops are the footwear which a woman wears to let their feet breathe awhile from those painful high heels and covered shoes. People would assume someone wearing the simple flip flops as coming back from the beach or swimming pool. Besides that, the flip flops also shows to someone that you are a college or high school student who could only afford flip flops to match with your clothes. The flip flops are suitable for individuals who just want a sense of calmness and relax feeling during the weekends. For women who wear sandals, it is seen to be an upgrade and more stylish version of the flip flop. It tells a person that you still want to be laid back but with a slight hint of fashion.

yeapp.. mine is that one.. the pink one.. :D

Sneakers are always seen suitable to be worn during sports and tough activities. So women who wear sneakers are said to be a very sporty chic which loves taking care of her health. As sneakers are worn at the gym workout session or simply a jog around the park, women are perceived to be an active individual but some may also say that these women are lazy (said mom to me when i was a teenager, read the following you will know). This is because if women are caught wearing sneakers frequently without being involved in any sports activities; it shows that she is someone who cannot be bothered with her lack of taste and fashion style (yeah exactly mom). now its my sisters who match every outfit with sneakers. i guess we all go through that phase, no? So which style do you want to try out today? Or prefers wanting to get new pair of shoes to add into your collection? Have a look at ZALORA as it offers a wide selection of shoes from stylish designs and brands online.

yeah. looks so comfy isn't it? i used to love sneakers, even pairing it with my baju kurung for hari raya every year.  now  that i am a lady (hihi) i always snap at my sister's decision to wear sneakers with everything. 

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Dental students

I longed to write about this a long time ago. But time never permits me. (Read: does not manage time very well)

Everytime i try to write about life as a dental student in uitm, i will end up sounding like a depressed person, who seriously need further medical attention. Hihi. Okay nope. It shouldnt be that scary. Its just me.

So it was in august 2011 i got the offer from uitm, to further my study in dentistry. Currently i am in year 4, dreading the time i finish my study. Goodness. Its freaking 5 years man. Majority of my friends have graduated with flying colors and while they are happy honey-mooning with their life partner, here i am pulling my hairs calling my patients everynight to make sure they come for their appointment tomorrow. At the same time struggling to read and get ready for tomorrow's clinic. Still, i never read enough. Dentistry never comes easy for me as i am not, in any way, artistic. I have a destructive hand instead. So it is a struggle. Most of the times i found myself frustrated over things that go behind my plan and time.

So..  Okay. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. For me, i think, of course one needs to be diligent, knowledgeable, decisive, communicative and skillful to be a good dental surgeon. Now now, dental surgeon sounds like a big thing compared to dentist right. It is the same nonetheless.

Why diligent?
Well. Diligent is that one important criterion to succeed isnt it? But if you are dreaming of a college life with only 2 or 3 lectures and or tutorials per day, then dentistry is not. A. Wise. Choice.
Our schedule is changing everyday. Nothing is the same. It will involve classes from 8 am to at least 5 pm (sometimes 6 pm) every. Single. Day. That doesnt include unfinished project/s where you will need to stay back longer. Most of the times we stay back in the prosthodontics lab to do our lab work for prosthodontics project. Usually it closes at 7pm during weekdays and sometimes it is opened on saturdays. So it is not remote to miss our lunch hours and weekend and staying back until dusk to finish our work. It is a norm.

However, most of us still know how to have fun okay. Its about managing your time right. Prepare yourself before doing any procedures or lab works. Okay sometimes luck may leave us scratching our heads.. Anything can go wrong in lab ( and clinics). Technical or procedural error. So sometimes it might take a little bit longer to finish our work.

Why knowledgeable?
I think you can figure that out by yourself. By the end of this course you will carry a Dr title in front of your name and with it, comes a great responsibility. Contrary to the common notion that dentistry is all about teeth, it actually requires medical knowledge as well. Mouth is a part of your body. Certain diseases can be manifested intraorally and some of dental procedures and medications can meddle with your existing co-morbidities. That, to say a few. We have to know the general well-being of our patients, recognize any tendency for the patient to develop abnormal reaction and customize dental procedures to cater to the patient's need.

What u read in the book mostly is a standard procedure. We humans differ from each other. There are times when things go wrong or complicated. Extra knowledge will come in handy. Of course all the lecturers will supervise us during clinics and will help us if things get complicated. But it is good if you have an idea on how to make things right.

I always think it this way. Dentistry is about restoring and preserving. And when it comes to restoring we will try to make it look natural. So our teeth have different shades of white. The shape and the color of my teeth are not the same like you. Thus, restorative material comes in variety. They have different brands, different quality, different material, different color, different strength, require different handling and different longevity. Easy example, to restore a tooth we have amalgam (metal), composite, or Glass ionomer restoration to choose from. You have to quickly analyse the situation, condition and decide which material you want to use.
That one talking about choosing material.

Another example is; for some procedures we have different techniques or methods to do them. You have to decide which method suits you and the patient well.

And all of these decisions must be made as quick as a lightning. You're chasing time.

Dentistry is all about completing requirements. To complete all that youre gonna need that basic ingredient; patients. Since we are in learning process, every treatments must be made step by step. We have to go through every procedures thus, we take a longer time to complete our treatment compared to certified doctors working in certified dental clinics. Persuading patients and making them understand all these is a tedious and monotonous task. Let alone creating awareness among them to take care of their oral hygiene (read: Brushing teeth correctly, especially before sleep and flossing everyday)

So you have to be very creative and communicative for people to fall in love with you and your work. Losing patient in the middle of treatment is a big loss to us. We will have to start from square one and the time wasted can never be compensated enough.

Dentistry requires a sense of art. Carving teeth, waxing up dentures to mimick the gum, handling instrument gracefully and correctly to ensure maximum performance, etc etc. if you are skillful then you will love this course. Everything will be easier if you have the skills. Skills can be acquired as well. Dont worry.

Talking about the course. I dont really know much about this new course. Since last year uitm has introduced a new type of course (sorry i dont know how to describe it). The new course will expose the students earlier to clinics. I think they will start seeing patients starting semester 2 of year 2.
As for me i started seeing patients only when i started my year 3. Year 1 and year 2 will mainly be lectures. I studied basic medical sciences and oral biology. Oral biology exam was at the end of year 1. The next year i studied basic medical sciences again (a lot) and dental material subject. At the end of the year there were two professional exams which are basic medical sciences and dental material. Preclinical years involve a lot of classes. It was on year 2 that we started going to the simulation lab to complete preclinical projects before we enter clinical years.
In year 3, we took human disease and oral pathology. On thursday every week we went to hospital sungai buloh or selayang for medical and surgery posting (a bit like what medical students do for their clinical years.. Clerking and examining patiets) from year 2 onwards there will be two professional exams every year. Besides learning those two that i mentioned, of course we also learn other subjects like operative dentistry, endodontics, periodontics yada yada yada that will be tested in year 5.
Year 4 professional exams will be in community dentistry and oral surgery. We need to complete the prerequisite requirements before we are allowed to sit for the examinations said. So year 4 we will be busy chasing to complete extractions and dental health requirements. By the word busy, i mean very. Oh yeah. It is in year 4 that we will choose our research project and this will be ongoing until year 5 where we will present our project paper.
In year 5 we will continue life as usual. We will have to complete all the requirements from every departments before we are allowed to sit for the two professional exams at the end of the year. Restorative dentistry and oral medicine. Year 5 we will be very. Extra. Busy. Chasing our requirements like mad to be able to graduate on time. Goodluck to me as well.

So in a nutshell, dentistry is all about completing requirements. By requirements, i mean you have to say, complete how many teeth extractions, restore how many teeth, treat how many dental hygiene patients, yada yada. That how many is determined by respective departments. There are like almost 10 departments and every deparments has their own requirements. So.. It is challenging.

Monday, August 11, 2014

semester break

how tempting those cakes look. i dont want to eat them. no. i want to BAKE them! oh pleaseeee calm this craving down… i cant bake it since i will end up eating it.. adding unnecessary calories and they are all sweet (sorry, mostly) i have to watch what i eat. i cant afford to eat anymore unhealthy food.

so i tried to revert back doing what i used to enjoy.. playing with beads. making bracelets and necklaces. but my tools are in my house at shah alam. urghh. so here i am staring blankly at my computer screen.

however. i just love this feeling. calm, relaxed, not stressed. i appreciate the feeling of having nothing to do or to rush since i dont get that often. oh i wish everybody can have a taste of what dentistry students life like. pheww. i will be very busy every freaking day. sometimes i just have tooo many things to do that i cant lose my time going to the toilet. i have to suppress that need until the end of the day. i cant even..

oh how i love my semester break. no need to be stressed out over whats going to happen tomorrow, having to call all the patients, having to find replacement for patients who cancelled their appointment tomorrow at freaking 10 pm this night! oh goodness… i wonder how most dental students can maintain their sanity cuz i nearly lose mine…………..

Wednesday, July 9, 2014


when it comes to relationship, almost everyone has a piece of advice to offer. mak kiah told you to find a man who is rich, so even if you cry later on, you will cry in a comfortable mansion or BMW rather than in a shack. mak leha told you to find a good man rather than a rich man, so you will later live happily. your best friend told you to choose a man who loves you rather than a man whom you love, so he will spend the rest of his lives making you happy. aminah told you to find a man who is educated. shamala told you to find a man who is good looking. mei ling told you to find a man who is hardworking. they all have their own opinion and experience to share. 

in the end, it all doesnt matter. you will still choose a man whom you are happy with. 

because our story differs. we cannot compare our journey with someone else's. god makes us different, he tests us in different ways.
maybe your guy is filthy rich, but is not faithful (i know i know this is lame. i am stereotyping rich guys hehe) maybe your guy has a master's degree, but every conversation is sooo boring. maybe your guy is good looking but he's childish. plus, nobody is perfect. that is certain. you can perceive a person as perfect only if you come to love his imperfections as well. 

this topic is random. there is nothing personal. just came across a conversation in my newsfeed discussing about what's right what's wrong and who's better in a relationship. 

Thursday, April 24, 2014

should doctors help to implement hudud?

for most of the time, i would have my stubborn opinion on every topics or issues. i would create imaginary conversations and paragraphs in my head. from politics to… whatever

but this one issue, i really have no idea what to think, or how to think. there's a fine line between religion and professionalism. i do not know what i should think.

nobody among us muslims would ever dare to deny hudud. well, i realized that most of us would prefer to keep our mouth shut regarding the implementation of hudud. hudud, irrefutably, should be realized. but how are we going to realize it? it is a problem because most of us have a very shallow idea about hudud. we do not know it as a whole, only the surface, or maybe less than that. i'm sure the thoughts of limbs amputation, caning, stoning and whatnot came to mind when picturing hudud. that does no fair to hudud.

lets put that aside. my major concern is whether doctors should be involved in implementing hudud. i am not taking sides. i dont even know what is right and what is wrong. should they? or shouldnt they? someone please enlighten me. i appreciate opinions from those who maintain their neutrality instead of some religious zealots or liberalist. i would want to hear fair explanation.

i love beaches. who doesnt?

it is made as a sign from Him. the creation is vast, endless, intricate and mysterious in a way that we never know. nevertheless, it is a very beautiful creation. the sound of the waves as they hit the pure white sand simply becomes a melody that is pleasing to the ear, somehow it has the power to calm even the most disturbed mind. the homogenous color of blue green it emits is pleasing to the eye, it also adds to the serenity. oh, wait until you see the sun sets on the horizon, nobody can take their eyes off the view. the yellow orange hue it gives off, plus when the gentle breeze strokes our face.. tell me how can one not love this?

i always find it magical.

yet, underneath that beauty, we can never underestimate the power they held, and i think fishermen would agree with me. in the middle of the ocean, there's hardly calmness. the waves become foe, no longer gentle and pleasing. underneath, it seems bottomless. an abyss. nobody can predict the depth of the sea. comparing my dimension to the deep sea, that's just irrelevant. metaphorically i would be microscopic compared to the ocean. the ocean is very very big. word does no justice to picture the vastness of the ocean.

and that's just one simple creation of my great god, Allah. i just can't imagine how powerful the Creator is. He is of course, greater than His creations. servant? now it feels that i am less than that. how can an ordinary person like me be a servant to the great god Allah. i am less than that.

nevertheless, my lust for the world denies the fact that i am just a servant. i am beguiled by the world, ignoring the fact that i will eventually return to Him and live in the hereafter permanently. Ya Allah, forgive me again.. and again..

Friday, December 27, 2013

what do you feel when you look at those people who are on the verge of dying

the question that lingers in my mind since thursday is

'what do you feel when you look at those people who are on the verge of dying'

well, first of all, let me clarify that thursday is a hospital day for us year 3 dental students. it's a human disease module, and we learn to clerk patients, learn all kinds of diseases, learn all the stuff that are there in the hospital. clerking is where you get great details from the patients about their diseases. like the onset of the pain ke, any other associated symptoms, rasa macam mana and soo many.. cerita nenek moyang dia pun kita nak tau.. so.. the story begins

cancer is quite common nowadays. and the number is expected to rise. my lecturer even quote that breast cancer prevalence is 1 in 10.. tu current rate.. in the future entah berapa.. that makes my new year resolution, cut down on fast food and whatever food that has a long expiry date.. not good.

so the reason i'm writing is..

its like every week i will meet at least one cancer patient. kita akan clerk dia.. tanya signs and symptoms, bila start sakit, rasa macam mana, then present kat doctor, kita discuss..
most of the time, patient tengah tunggu result segala test yang telah dibuat. most of the time, mereka optimis. mereka rasa sakit mereka takdelah teruk sangat. they dont expect cancer. well, the doctors yang merawat mereka pun most of the time tak beritau. tapi based on our knowledge, discussion ngan doctor, more or less, we know that they might not have a good result. sebab, secara majoriti, kanser tak menyebabkan kesakitan. takde sakit langsung. penyakit senyap. tetiba sekali rasa sakit atau tak selesa, check, dah later stage.. lambat..

ada satu masa, kami clerk makcik yang diberitahu oleh doktornya yang dia sakit batu hempedu. tapi bila kita clerk dia, well, it goes without saying that we suspect that she might have liver cancer.

ada satu masa, kami clerk pakcik yang ada ketumbuhan di satu tempat dalam badan. tak ingat la mana. dan dia ingat hanya satu ketumbuhan di satu tempat. tapi bila kita clerk dia, well, we suspect dia dah metastasis. i think orang sekarang semua hebat. kalau cakap metastasis mesti ramai dah tahu itu cancer stage paling akhir di mana cancer cells dah merebak pegi tempat lain... seterusnya menimbulkan signs and symptoms yang lain..

ada satu masa, kami clerk pakcik yang ingat dia tengah tunggu result test, sebab tu doktor tak buat apa apa kat dia.. tapi sebenarnya doktor tak buat apa apa sebab dia dah stage 4 colorectal cancer.. inoperable.. doktor cuma monitor saja dan menunggu hari..

ada satu masa kami clerk makcik yang baru je umur 43 tahun, anak lelaki kat sebelah rajin bacakan yasin selalu untuk mak dia.. cancer stage 2 or 3.. yang doctor delay 5 BULAN untuk operate.. daripada tumor sebesar golf ball, sampai masa aku nak clerk tu dah include almost the whole breast..

ada satu masa, kami clerk abang umur 24 tahun, fresh grad engineering.. oesophageal cancer with stage 2 or 3..

ada satu masa, kami clerk akak yang ada 3 orang anak kecil-kecil.. paling tua pun 7 tahun, baru habis operation breast tumor.. tapi bukan cancer lagi.. masuk ni dah 3 kali operate.. maknanya dah 3 kali berulang la.. sampai husband dia tanya kat aku, ni kalau jadi lagi ni nak buang apa pulak.. nak buat macam mana lagi.. 

and setiap kali aku jumpa patient yang chances dia untuk sembuh tu tak berapa elok, aku jadi emo.. sedih.. nah, i will never get used to this. it feels so bad to know that they are so many other people who are unluckier than you, and you cannot do anything to help them. aku selalu tanya kawan aku apa kau rasa bila kau tengok patient yang kau tahu prognosis dia tak elok.. they might not survive.. well, as for me, perasaan tu indescribable.. tak guna nak kenangkan perasaan kasihan tapi tak mampu buat apa-apa.. selain doa.. 

disclaimer: tapi sampai setakat harini, of course aku jumpa lebih ramai doktor yang berdedikasi daripada yang sambil lewa. terutama di hospital kerajaan. well, government hospital is definitely better than private hospital. percayalah. mereka lebih pakar dari segi knowledge dan experience. teknologi pun lebih canggih. tapi masalahnya cuma, terlalu banyak pesakit kat government hospital, menyebabkan pesakit tidak berapa rasa 'istimewa' macam anak raja seperti yang diharapkan. banyak kali juga aku dengar doktor kena marah dengan patient yang mendakwa doktor lambat buat kerja, tak tengok dia. padahal setiap kali doktor buat ward round, dia tengah tidur. setimpal la kan. awak bayar segitu, takkan nak expect dapat layanan macam prince william.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

akhir zaman.

Dunia ni penuh dengan penipu, tukang ikut tipu dan seterusnya secara tak langsung, pemfitnah. Ke penfitnah.

Ye. Aku faham kita semua sedang melengkapi ciri-ciri akhir zaman yang di mana dunia akhirnya penuh dengan fitnah.

Serious lah. Aku annoyed dengan news feed yang penuh dengan artikel tidak bertauliah. Restoran haram. Minyak angin haram. Makanan haram. Brand haram. Nasi kandar haram.

Paling baru…. yang ’23 orang hilang dalam villa nabila’. Yang share tu biasalah. Yang extreme sikit tulis caption

‘aku dah pergi dah dekat villa Nabila, tengok polis dan bomba melakukan kerja mencari. Jangan percaya media kata sorang je hilang. Rakyat ditipu. Kalau kau datang sini, baru kau tau 23 orang memang betul hilang. Mak bapak deorang ada kat sini tunggu jugak’

‘aku ada masa ‘survivor’ sorang tu kena interview ngan wartawan. Katanya dia dirasuk. Benda tu kata suruh pulangkan balik benda entah apa kalau tidak dia akan ambil budak perempuan’

bak kata sarimah Ibrahim pagi tadi --- what on earth?

Yang paling mengarut. Siap ada video budak kena rasuk. Bila orang tanya mana budak yang hilang tu, siap boleh cakap kena sembunyikan lah, amek barang lah, entah apa benda entah. Penipu grade A+++++++++ apa bila khabar akhirnya mendedahkan budak lelaki yang hilang itu rupanya hilang dalam kebahagiaan bersama teman wanitanya di sebuah rumah. 

Eh suka aku je nak menuduh orang yang buat video tu menipu kan? Mungkin betul dia dirasuk. So sekarang sama ada orang yang dirasuk itu menipu atau hantu yang merasuk itu menipu rakyat jelata.

Aku kan, macam termenung masa kat klinik tadi, begitu kreatif mereka dalam soal reka cerita. Mungkin betul 23 orang hilang, mungkin betul hanya 1 orang saja yang hilang. Aku tak Nampak dengan mata sendiri, tak dengar dengan telinga sendiri, maka aku tak boleh nak buat konklusi.

‘what is the diagnosis for this case?’ doktor tanya aku.

Blink. Mampus. Aku tak dengar soalan tu.

‘what is the diagnosis for this case???’ doktor tanya aku dan pandang aku dengan lebih intense.

Nasib baik dia ulang soalan. Kalau tak kantoi macam tu je aku berangan. Aku menyalahkan penglipur lara sekelian sebab kreatif sangat. Kan dah distract aku.

Aku teringat pulak cerita nasi vanggey yang difitnah disalut oleh najis manusia…. Najis manusia kot! Kau nak fitnah pun beragak lerr. Kalau cakap disalut dengan coklat putih yang cair di dalam mulut tu aku boleh terima lagi. Najis manusia. Aku yang terbaca status yang di’share’ tu pun automatik terkeluar perkataan bodoh. Aku baca sekali pun dah tau tak payah nak percaya benda ngarut sungguh macam ni.

‘kau ni.. cuba cakap benda yang baik baik…..’ individu itu menegur secara hikmah.

‘takdelah. Cuba kau baca ni. Serius ah. Benda ni pun orang percaya?’

‘hahaha. Biasalah deorang niii.. main share je.. bukan tau benda tu betul ke tak’

aku tengok facebook balik.

10 minit lepas tu, profile individu yang sama itu muncul kat news feed. Dengan status yang di’share’d..
“McD haram. KFC haram. Blablabla haram sebab guna blablabla khinzir. Yang diperolehi dari blablabla. Kerana ingin menghancurkan umat islam.”

Sekali lagi macam nak terkeluar dah perkataan yang ‘tak baik’ kat atas tu tadi. Nasib baik kau kat sebelah aku. Mungkin dalam 10 minit itu dia telah mengkaji secara mendalam tentang kesahihan berita itu. Mungkin. Mungkin juga tidak. Tapi sebab dia selalu suruh aku sangka baik, maka mungkin ya. Pehal dia taknak sangka baik kat restoran haram haram di atas tu aku tak pasti lagi kenapa. Mungkin sebab mereka di’established’ oleh zionis.. maka itu adalah lesen untuk kita, umat islam, umat nabi Muhammad S.A.W ni, untuk bersangka buruk dan memfitnah mereka. Kau rasa nabi setuju tak kau fitnah orang, even musuh? Main kotor tu. Mentality kelas ketiga.

Kalau kau fikir aku cakap camni sebab aku penyokong dan pelanggan tegar McD serta KFC, starbucks, secret recipe, tutti frutti, baskin robbin, nasi kandar pelita, minyak yu yee cap limau dan segala restoran yang telah di’haram’kan oleh kita kita ni semua… mungkin kau silap. Kena adil la kan.

Lepastu apabila dah satu Malaysia heboh dengan keharaman produk-produk dan restoran-restoran yang naik maju ni.. tiba-tiba keluar surat rasmi jakim, atau lab report oleh dua lab yang berbeza mengatakan produk mereka ini bebas dari DNA khinzir, atau disahkan halal oleh jakim… mereka berkata..

‘JAKIM tu sebenarnya telah dirasuah’
‘lab tu telah dirasuah… Komplot… Nak jatuhkan umat islam… Rasuah… Korup…. Najib…. BN…. UMNO….. Macai….. Rosmah naik jet…. Rakyat ditipu…’ sampai ke cerita altantuya.

Entah macam mana restoran maju-maju tersebut nak buktikan pada mereka ni, yang mereka gunakan produk halal. Aku pun tak tau.

Bila pemimpin kesayangan mereka difitnah ajaran sesat lah, sodomi lah, berpura-puralah.. tetiba terus media tak boleh dipercayai. Tetiba terus fikir fitnah. Tetiba baru suruh sangka baik.

Aku nak tanya. Kau panggil orang macai, habis kalau orang macam ni dipanggil apa? Kau cakap macai sentiasa percaya segala berita dan alasan yang disogokkan akhbar utusan dan orang UMNO, habis yang kau yang sentiasa menganga bila kena suap dengan segala berita dan akhbar harakah tu apa nama gelarannya?

Aku bukan pro-kerajaan pun aku nak cakap macamni. Sebab aku sedar, pemimpin pemimpin kerajaan waktu sekarang ni pun penuh dengan ayat bodoh alasan bodoh apabila diminta untuk beri komen kenapa harga ni naik tu naik duit hilang jet mahal. Sampai aku rasa mereka patut shut up sebab yang keluar dari mulut mereka hanyalah alasan dan komen yang tak munasabah langsung! Aku tau pengikut tegar pro-kerajaan ni pun ada ramai yang kurang pandai apabila sentiasa percaya apa yang diulas oleh media utama dan komen pemimpin mereka. Tapi aku nak cakap jugak, penyokong pembangkang pun sama macai je sebenarnya.

Kalau kau buat hypothesis sendiri yang anwar Ibrahim tu sebenarnya suci murni bebas dari dosa sodomi dan najib bersalah sebab ada kena mengena dengan pembunuhan altantuya hanya berdasarkan kronologi berita dan cerita, fikirlah balik. Kenapa taknak bersangka baik pada dua-dua situasi di atas? Engkau layak ke melabel dia ni pendosa? tak boleh percaya sebab bini dia pun tak pakai tudung. Yang dia ni boleh percaya. Kau tengok keluarga dia. Islamik.

Hebat umat kita sekarang. Boleh tembus terus lihat dosa pahala orang.