Saturday, December 29, 2012

can you cry underwater?

i can. its good that i can resort to swimming to relief the stress. at times, the sadness is too overwhelming that i can actually cry a lot in the water. the water itself seems like to be a good comforter. yes, it was very cold, excruciatingly cold the first time i get into the water. but as i swim along, it becomes a good comforter to me. staying underwater separates me from the whole world. i can only hear myself underwater. it gives me a very good time to speak to myself and to speak to god. i dont have to say a word. most of the times, i can never describe what i feel. no point sharing with people about my feelings, about what i am going through. humans, none will understand me exactly like how Allah does. thats why i dont bother telling people selling my stories.

because humans, tend to judge. they judge because they dont understand. they can sympathize but they can never feel what i feel. they will never understand, and plus the fact that i am no good with words. so, yeah.. i always lost in fights. thats why i dont bother confronting. i will just accept. swallowing all the heartache. keeping everything to myself.

because the fact that humans will only see other people's mistakes. because the fact that humans nature will only blame others before blaming themselves. because the fact that humans like to run away from problems rather than try resolving it. like me. i am a typical human being. so there. i do all that most of the times too.

sometimes, we just need to be on our own. reflecting ourselves. like a friend of mine did say, not even your best friends need to know. sometimes i need that little space of my own. because sometimes, not even your mother understands you. not even you yourselves.

getting hurt from the one you love, like family and friends, can be very frustrating. really. when it comes to this, i am not blaming anybody but me. i shouldnt be too close with friends. why am i being so naive thinking that there are still a lot of kind people inside out, out there. what makes me think that exposing my weaknesses to them is safe? apparently, when some things happen, your friends turn their back against you. nah, not ignoring. attacking even. inside out. i would rather they ignore me than to judge me. what makes they think that i have to report everything that happens in my life to them? i choose whom i like, whom i am comfortable with, to share my problems and events happening in my life. if i dont tell you, doesnt mean i am trying to lie. its just that i am raised in the environment where, i survive on my own. i am used to keeping everything to myself. knowing you in less than a year doesnt make you a good candidate for me to tell my whole life.

and it becomes more frustrating when you dont even know me, when you dont know the true story even, yet you dare to even tell outsiders about me. why? just because i dont tell you everything, you think tham i'm doing something suspicious. that i am trying to lie. is it wrong if i do not want to confide to anybody whom i'm not comfortable with? if its wrong, well then, its up to you to judge me. whatever  you said, go ahead. if you think you are always right. i'm very very sorry too, that i can never understand you just like you, will never understand me.

has it ever crossed your mind, that i have feelings too? i can get hurt by words?

has it ever crossed your beautiful mind, that i am not that stupid?

has it ever crossed your mind, that at least you've got each other, and i've got nobody? fair isn't it?

so there. you win. take all the winnings. if that can make you happy. so here i am, feeling dreadful everyday. waking up with dreadful feelings, crying myself to sleep every night until my eyes get swollen, just because of you, friend. it is totally my bad that i was too close with my friends. i forgot that i shouldn't break all the barriers. i forgot that i should keep a certain amount of distance so i dont get hurt. totally my bad.

but, in god's name, i never hate you. because i never forget everything that you've done for me. i am still grateful for all that. no doubt, you are a kind person. very kind person, to start with. its just that we shouldnt be too close. because in the end, we both get hurt.

and as i swim, til' i tire myself. swimming back and forth, hearing my heart speaks. until i get too tired, and i get out of the water, clean myself. go back to my room. eventually falling asleep on my own without thinking of anything that saddens me.

thats why i love swimming.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

if i could, i would. sometimes, conflicts are of mere understandings. i wish i know how to read minds. so that i wont be deceived by courtesy and kindness. i wont accept helps without sincerity fitting in the intention of the giver. i'm sorry that i couldnt understand how the genius' minds working. they've got brains but they aint got heart, or is it some common sense?

you are too stiff, and too sensitive. ive got fed up entertaining your sensitivity for words that are not meant for you. you are too emotional at times that you drag me in a maze of confusion. i got tired pulling your legs and wooing you all over again. my goodness, friend. how can anyone ever understand you. or is it me? is it just me?

ive got feelings and i believe you do too. its not that easy for me to supress my feelings. maybe, i am not strong enough like you. my goodness, friend.