Friday, December 27, 2013

what do you feel when you look at those people who are on the verge of dying


the question that lingers in my mind since thursday is

'what do you feel when you look at those people who are on the verge of dying'

well, first of all, let me clarify that thursday is a hospital day for us year 3 dental students. it's a human disease module, and we learn to clerk patients, learn all kinds of diseases, learn all the stuff that are there in the hospital. clerking is where you get great details from the patients about their diseases. like the onset of the pain ke, any other associated symptoms, rasa macam mana and soo many.. cerita nenek moyang dia pun kita nak tau.. so.. the story begins

cancer is quite common nowadays. and the number is expected to rise. my lecturer even quote that breast cancer prevalence is 1 in 10.. tu current rate.. in the future entah berapa.. that makes my new year resolution, cut down on fast food and whatever food that has a long expiry date.. not good.

so the reason i'm writing is..

its like every week i will meet at least one cancer patient. kita akan clerk dia.. tanya signs and symptoms, bila start sakit, rasa macam mana, then present kat doctor, kita discuss..
most of the time, patient tengah tunggu result segala test yang telah dibuat. most of the time, mereka optimis. mereka rasa sakit mereka takdelah teruk sangat. they dont expect cancer. well, the doctors yang merawat mereka pun most of the time tak beritau. tapi based on our knowledge, discussion ngan doctor, more or less, we know that they might not have a good result. sebab, secara majoriti, kanser tak menyebabkan kesakitan. takde sakit langsung. penyakit senyap. tetiba sekali rasa sakit atau tak selesa, check, dah later stage.. lambat..

ada satu masa, kami clerk makcik yang diberitahu oleh doktornya yang dia sakit batu hempedu. tapi bila kita clerk dia, well, it goes without saying that we suspect that she might have liver cancer.

ada satu masa, kami clerk pakcik yang ada ketumbuhan di satu tempat dalam badan. tak ingat la mana. dan dia ingat hanya satu ketumbuhan di satu tempat. tapi bila kita clerk dia, well, we suspect dia dah metastasis. i think orang sekarang semua hebat. kalau cakap metastasis mesti ramai dah tahu itu cancer stage paling akhir di mana cancer cells dah merebak pegi tempat lain... seterusnya menimbulkan signs and symptoms yang lain..

ada satu masa, kami clerk pakcik yang ingat dia tengah tunggu result test, sebab tu doktor tak buat apa apa kat dia.. tapi sebenarnya doktor tak buat apa apa sebab dia dah stage 4 colorectal cancer.. inoperable.. doktor cuma monitor saja dan menunggu hari..

ada satu masa kami clerk makcik yang baru je umur 43 tahun, anak lelaki kat sebelah rajin bacakan yasin selalu untuk mak dia.. cancer stage 2 or 3.. yang doctor delay 5 BULAN untuk operate.. daripada tumor sebesar golf ball, sampai masa aku nak clerk tu dah include almost the whole breast..

ada satu masa, kami clerk abang umur 24 tahun, fresh grad engineering.. oesophageal cancer with stage 2 or 3..


ada satu masa, kami clerk akak yang ada 3 orang anak kecil-kecil.. paling tua pun 7 tahun, baru habis operation breast tumor.. tapi bukan cancer lagi.. masuk ni dah 3 kali operate.. maknanya dah 3 kali berulang la.. sampai husband dia tanya kat aku, ni kalau jadi lagi ni nak buang apa pulak.. nak buat macam mana lagi.. 

and setiap kali aku jumpa patient yang chances dia untuk sembuh tu tak berapa elok, aku jadi emo.. sedih.. nah, i will never get used to this. it feels so bad to know that they are so many other people who are unluckier than you, and you cannot do anything to help them. aku selalu tanya kawan aku apa kau rasa bila kau tengok patient yang kau tahu prognosis dia tak elok.. they might not survive.. well, as for me, perasaan tu indescribable.. tak guna nak kenangkan perasaan kasihan tapi tak mampu buat apa-apa.. selain doa.. 



disclaimer: tapi sampai setakat harini, of course aku jumpa lebih ramai doktor yang berdedikasi daripada yang sambil lewa. terutama di hospital kerajaan. well, government hospital is definitely better than private hospital. percayalah. mereka lebih pakar dari segi knowledge dan experience. teknologi pun lebih canggih. tapi masalahnya cuma, terlalu banyak pesakit kat government hospital, menyebabkan pesakit tidak berapa rasa 'istimewa' macam anak raja seperti yang diharapkan. banyak kali juga aku dengar doktor kena marah dengan patient yang mendakwa doktor lambat buat kerja, tak tengok dia. padahal setiap kali doktor buat ward round, dia tengah tidur. setimpal la kan. awak bayar segitu, takkan nak expect dapat layanan macam prince william.












Tuesday, November 19, 2013

akhir zaman.


Dunia ni penuh dengan penipu, tukang ikut tipu dan seterusnya secara tak langsung, pemfitnah. Ke penfitnah.

Ye. Aku faham kita semua sedang melengkapi ciri-ciri akhir zaman yang di mana dunia akhirnya penuh dengan fitnah.

Serious lah. Aku annoyed dengan news feed yang penuh dengan artikel tidak bertauliah. Restoran haram. Minyak angin haram. Makanan haram. Brand haram. Nasi kandar haram.

Paling baru…. yang ’23 orang hilang dalam villa nabila’. Yang share tu biasalah. Yang extreme sikit tulis caption

‘aku dah pergi dah dekat villa Nabila, tengok polis dan bomba melakukan kerja mencari. Jangan percaya media kata sorang je hilang. Rakyat ditipu. Kalau kau datang sini, baru kau tau 23 orang memang betul hilang. Mak bapak deorang ada kat sini tunggu jugak’

‘aku ada masa ‘survivor’ sorang tu kena interview ngan wartawan. Katanya dia dirasuk. Benda tu kata suruh pulangkan balik benda entah apa kalau tidak dia akan ambil budak perempuan’

bak kata sarimah Ibrahim pagi tadi --- what on earth?

Yang paling mengarut. Siap ada video budak kena rasuk. Bila orang tanya mana budak yang hilang tu, siap boleh cakap kena sembunyikan lah, amek barang lah, entah apa benda entah. Penipu grade A+++++++++ apa bila khabar akhirnya mendedahkan budak lelaki yang hilang itu rupanya hilang dalam kebahagiaan bersama teman wanitanya di sebuah rumah. 

Eh suka aku je nak menuduh orang yang buat video tu menipu kan? Mungkin betul dia dirasuk. So sekarang sama ada orang yang dirasuk itu menipu atau hantu yang merasuk itu menipu rakyat jelata.

Aku kan, macam termenung masa kat klinik tadi, begitu kreatif mereka dalam soal reka cerita. Mungkin betul 23 orang hilang, mungkin betul hanya 1 orang saja yang hilang. Aku tak Nampak dengan mata sendiri, tak dengar dengan telinga sendiri, maka aku tak boleh nak buat konklusi.

‘what is the diagnosis for this case?’ doktor tanya aku.

Blink. Mampus. Aku tak dengar soalan tu.

‘what is the diagnosis for this case???’ doktor tanya aku dan pandang aku dengan lebih intense.

Nasib baik dia ulang soalan. Kalau tak kantoi macam tu je aku berangan. Aku menyalahkan penglipur lara sekelian sebab kreatif sangat. Kan dah distract aku.

Aku teringat pulak cerita nasi vanggey yang difitnah disalut oleh najis manusia…. Najis manusia kot! Kau nak fitnah pun beragak lerr. Kalau cakap disalut dengan coklat putih yang cair di dalam mulut tu aku boleh terima lagi. Najis manusia. Aku yang terbaca status yang di’share’ tu pun automatik terkeluar perkataan bodoh. Aku baca sekali pun dah tau tak payah nak percaya benda ngarut sungguh macam ni.

‘kau ni.. cuba cakap benda yang baik baik…..’ individu itu menegur secara hikmah.

‘takdelah. Cuba kau baca ni. Serius ah. Benda ni pun orang percaya?’

‘hahaha. Biasalah deorang niii.. main share je.. bukan tau benda tu betul ke tak’

aku tengok facebook balik.

10 minit lepas tu, profile individu yang sama itu muncul kat news feed. Dengan status yang di’share’d..
“McD haram. KFC haram. Blablabla haram sebab guna blablabla khinzir. Yang diperolehi dari blablabla. Kerana ingin menghancurkan umat islam.”

Sekali lagi macam nak terkeluar dah perkataan yang ‘tak baik’ kat atas tu tadi. Nasib baik kau kat sebelah aku. Mungkin dalam 10 minit itu dia telah mengkaji secara mendalam tentang kesahihan berita itu. Mungkin. Mungkin juga tidak. Tapi sebab dia selalu suruh aku sangka baik, maka mungkin ya. Pehal dia taknak sangka baik kat restoran haram haram di atas tu aku tak pasti lagi kenapa. Mungkin sebab mereka di’established’ oleh zionis.. maka itu adalah lesen untuk kita, umat islam, umat nabi Muhammad S.A.W ni, untuk bersangka buruk dan memfitnah mereka. Kau rasa nabi setuju tak kau fitnah orang, even musuh? Main kotor tu. Mentality kelas ketiga.

Kalau kau fikir aku cakap camni sebab aku penyokong dan pelanggan tegar McD serta KFC, starbucks, secret recipe, tutti frutti, baskin robbin, nasi kandar pelita, minyak yu yee cap limau dan segala restoran yang telah di’haram’kan oleh kita kita ni semua… mungkin kau silap. Kena adil la kan.

Lepastu apabila dah satu Malaysia heboh dengan keharaman produk-produk dan restoran-restoran yang naik maju ni.. tiba-tiba keluar surat rasmi jakim, atau lab report oleh dua lab yang berbeza mengatakan produk mereka ini bebas dari DNA khinzir, atau disahkan halal oleh jakim… mereka berkata..

‘JAKIM tu sebenarnya telah dirasuah’
‘lab tu telah dirasuah… Komplot… Nak jatuhkan umat islam… Rasuah… Korup…. Najib…. BN…. UMNO….. Macai….. Rosmah naik jet…. Rakyat ditipu…’ sampai ke cerita altantuya.

Entah macam mana restoran maju-maju tersebut nak buktikan pada mereka ni, yang mereka gunakan produk halal. Aku pun tak tau.

Bila pemimpin kesayangan mereka difitnah ajaran sesat lah, sodomi lah, berpura-puralah.. tetiba terus media tak boleh dipercayai. Tetiba terus fikir fitnah. Tetiba baru suruh sangka baik.

Aku nak tanya. Kau panggil orang macai, habis kalau orang macam ni dipanggil apa? Kau cakap macai sentiasa percaya segala berita dan alasan yang disogokkan akhbar utusan dan orang UMNO, habis yang kau yang sentiasa menganga bila kena suap dengan segala berita dan akhbar harakah tu apa nama gelarannya?

Aku bukan pro-kerajaan pun aku nak cakap macamni. Sebab aku sedar, pemimpin pemimpin kerajaan waktu sekarang ni pun penuh dengan ayat bodoh alasan bodoh apabila diminta untuk beri komen kenapa harga ni naik tu naik duit hilang jet mahal. Sampai aku rasa mereka patut shut up sebab yang keluar dari mulut mereka hanyalah alasan dan komen yang tak munasabah langsung! Aku tau pengikut tegar pro-kerajaan ni pun ada ramai yang kurang pandai apabila sentiasa percaya apa yang diulas oleh media utama dan komen pemimpin mereka. Tapi aku nak cakap jugak, penyokong pembangkang pun sama macai je sebenarnya.

Kalau kau buat hypothesis sendiri yang anwar Ibrahim tu sebenarnya suci murni bebas dari dosa sodomi dan najib bersalah sebab ada kena mengena dengan pembunuhan altantuya hanya berdasarkan kronologi berita dan cerita, fikirlah balik. Kenapa taknak bersangka baik pada dua-dua situasi di atas? Engkau layak ke melabel dia ni pendosa? tak boleh percaya sebab bini dia pun tak pakai tudung. Yang dia ni boleh percaya. Kau tengok keluarga dia. Islamik.

Hebat umat kita sekarang. Boleh tembus terus lihat dosa pahala orang.  


Friday, October 25, 2013

malaysia is not safe anymore


i am speaking as an ordinary person. a student living a normal life, has loving parents, lovely sisters, kind aunties and uncles, nice friends. i cant help from being sad and sorry for the victims of random shootings, robberies, hit and run and what-not. reading the newspapers reminds me everyday of how fragile a life can be.

an ordinary bank officer was shot hands-down by a security guard. she ended her life with an almost destroyed head. he ran away with 450k, gave the money to the family members to be hid. the husband was informed that there was robbery in the bank that his wife was working for from facebook, he went there, and was not permitted to see his wife, and only to be informed later on that night that he had lost his wife to a heartless, crazy man who shot for money. and it is more upsetting after i learned that the criminal was not malaysian. he is an outsider.. hired and paid to guard us from any harm, in our own country. i mean, come on, this is our land, and we pay foreigners to take care of our safety. really.

and it is even more sickening after i learned that the company responsible for hiring that crazy heartless immigrant entrusted him to guard with firearms when he clearly doesnt have any license to possess one.  what kind of business are you running here madam?

and then the next day i read about chaos in gombak. a man who is obviously mentally unhealthy stabbed 4 people, with 2 ended up dead. those two were of course irrefutably innocent. the criminal went to a sundry shop and nobody knew what happened there, that he decided to stab the owner of the shop and next his assistant leaving the severely wounded. then he drove his van and stabbed the other two people leaving them dead. he hit the back of the victims' cars and then he stabbed the drivers to death.

i stared into empty spaces for 5 minutes. i am worried. i am disturbed. i am bothered. i have no worries for myself. i worry for my family's safety. i am worried. malaysia is no longer a safe place to live anymore. i read so many news of murders everyday.

those two recent news are not new at all. while we are complaining over missed lunch because of work, complaining over incomplete assignments, not enough money, traffic jammed everywhere, there are those who cant complain anymore. only then will we appreciate our precious time left in this world. there are murders everyday. there were those unfortunate women who were kidnapped while jogging and shopping and murdered mercilessly. there were those who were killed by their lovers out of jealousy. there were those who were stabbed because of money. this happens everyday in malaysia without us noticing it. i am anxious when i think about this. there is only one thing that matters, i want my family to be safe no matter wherever they are. and i surrender to the fact that, i have only my god to depend on.

it is horrendous. and i play blaming games. blaming those money-hungry business people who run their business with bribery and foul play. i blame those power-hungry politicians. i blame everyone but myself. again, malaysian being malaysian :)






Monday, June 10, 2013


how do you manage with almost 400 topics to read in just two weeks?
dentistry never fails to amaze me.






it is a lie if i say, i dont have feelings anymore.

they are an amazing friends. i had so much fun with them. we are very loving very gentle and very careful. we shared almost everything from food to clothing. we did a lot of things that we thought would strengthen our friendships. but yeah. i ruined everything. it's easy to blame everyone else but yourself when something goes wrong. despite the blaming games, i knew i contributed a lot in ruining this beautiful friendship. up until today, i am living well enough without them, life couldnt have been more beautiful with the ones i love, but i am haunted with the guilt and memories left behind.

it is a definite lie if i say i didnt feel anything every time i am exuded out from the list. every time and it is still efficient up until today. there are three of them now, and whenever they needed one more company to make it even, i am far from the list. not that i want it anymore to be in their league, it's just that i feel a pang of guilt and disappointment, whenever i realize that. maybe it is still a little bit difficult for me to accept the fact that everything has changed now.

i am still envious with the friendship they are enjoying now. i am envious that they are far off better than me. i am still here, the old me, lingering with my habits, no improvement, while they are too busy seeking improvement for themselves. they mingle with the other usrahmates, attend most of the activities. i am envious and upset with myself, for downgrading myself and refuse to mingle with them anymore. i feel that i am no good at all to be with them. i am so inferior. they would hate me, they would hate what i am doing. i am still who i am. talk a lot about entertainments, and i would still be who i was when i was with them.. talking a lot about so much things in the world when they have no clue of what i was ranting. it was funny. haha.

my friends now are amazing too. i mean, we click together. now that i have people who know what i am talking about, fill in the blanks of words that i have lost, finishing my sentence, exchanging ideas. they are flexible, open minded and fun to be with. i'm not talking to myself anymore when i talk about politics, movies, football! yada yada.

it hurts to recount the events leading up to the break up part. it started with me who didnt wanna be suppressed anymore. eventually, i had to stand up for myself. i cant remember when did it all went wrong.

despite the blaming games, i still miss them. i still miss all the moments we were spending our time together. the trip to my home, the trip to i-city, to the lake, to all kinds of restaurants, and etc. i woke up every morning thinking a little bit of everything. now, i am a stranger to them, same goes to them. we act like we have never had that history. and i am sooo careful with my words now.

and oh god. my brain is very creative with food when i'm fasting. the whole time i was writing this, the cake in a jar image is dancing in my brain. and its impossible to get it at this time. i am soo lazy to go out that i decide i will just have cereal for my break. thats great! when i feel like i can gulp down the whole shah alam lake and eat every kinds of food ever existed here. now, i sound like a very fat people arent i -.-








Saturday, June 8, 2013


People die in many ways..
How do i die then?

You know there is this saying, when you reach 40, you should worry and do more and more good deeds as those good deeds that you are going to make after you reach 40, can't compete the good deeds that you've done in your younger days combined. Wow i am making this complicated. I mean, if you dont change when you reach 40, its difficult. Because the good deeds that you are going to make after you are 40, cant compensate for your sins and time wasted in your younger days.

Long story short, we have to do good deeds, a lot of good deeds in our younger days. If we only intend to change when we are old, its not going to be enough.

Thinking that,
Everything that you are proud of in your life, cant be of any help when you die. Sad isn't it when most of us are deceived by this world. Me included.
Those anger and vengeance, mean nothing when you die. Nothing else matters when you die.
When we always think that we are better than certain people.
How sinful is everything that i do.




Thursday, June 6, 2013

Taboo


For havimg prayed subuh at the very last minute for like how many weeks, and i feel guilty about it. I woke up early today. Yeay. For the purpose of waking up for subuh. God made it easy for me because i was up 2 seconds before azan starts. Wonderful. Before my alarm can ring.

But the ugly side is.

Oh its still 6! I dont know what to do. Lets sleep back.

And there you go, i feel like clawing the wall because im sleepy and drowsy, im disoriented. My body feels like ive been falling from the 5th storey building. I can sleep soundly under the running water. Nothing can stop this sleepiness.

Semua sebab tidur lepas subuh.

And now i feel like

Oh dear,

This is endless T___T

Tidur lepas subuh. Serve u right!!

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

mini ipad! yeayy!


i bought new ipad! yeayy! its a mini ipad! yeayy!

xie xie aa abah.. i know its not cheap.. the thing is my old big ipad rosak ready.. i cant turn it on and when i referred to the mac worker he said it is due to screen problem and yeah surprisingly i just knew that apple doesnt do fixing. they only do fixing for macbook. none other. otherwise i would have to trade in for the same model but the new one lah for rm1100.. might as well just add up 500 ringgit more to get mini ipad the new model with a faster processor and apparently better display and camera

hurrah! im a happy kid!

because i get addicted to games! hurrah! realracing 3 is awesome! fast furious 6 is amazing. but the downside is i have to wait for any progress that i wanna make. so difficult to win leh in FF6.

that is one.

two.
i do not need papers anymore. yes. i love trees. but apparently im not appreciating my eyes. oh dear. dont you know that all this digital things can rapidly damage your eyes. power 175 not enough aa? but my point is, yeah. i dont have to bring notebooks anymore. i can just take down the notes in the ieditor apps and save it. its convenient you see. because i bring my ipad everywhere so there's no excuse for me to say, i didnt bring my notes. i cant study.

see. very rajin leh this girl. she deserves more ipad.

three.
i can scan books, convert it to documents for easy reading. i dont have to carry books anymore you see. now, the beautiful thing is that.. i do all this with free apps! how can that be not amazing?

fourth.
i can keep my lecture notes in it. well, basically i can view all formats from microsoft documents in izip. so.. yeah.. no need to print DSL or PRACTICAL papers anymore. i can just use my ipad. kata sayang pokok maa.

fifth.
with the invention of powerbank. oh dear god. thats a brilliant invention. i can use it limitlessly outside. i can connect my broadband to it and make it as a router for wifi. with the internet, everything is interesting! see.

sixth.
although most apps require money. those free apps are amazing too. such as find my iphone apps. that is useful for people who are forgetful like me.

seventh.
its my walking dictionary. and i can define everything i read on it there and then. im a happy nerd!

eighth.
i LOOVVEEE my transformer ipad cover! thats cool. like mat kool cool! see.

ninth.
its mini. like me. so it is portable. easy to bring. unlike me. im mini but im heavy!

tenth.
its everything inside a mini thing you see. i can bring it everywhere. this is redundant isnt it? didnt i just say that it is portable?

nah. now. this is more useful than my kenwood stand mixer. kenwood makes me fat by motivating me to do more cookies! more cakes! more baking! more more more. and ended up no one larat to eat anymore. they all wanna jaga badan.

now. when i should be studying for next week's endo. here i am singing here's to never growing up, writing a piece of worthless sheet.

tomorrow, is a lab session. and i freaked out everytime. i dont think im ready for clinic. yet. yeah. thinking of doing all this thing and having to face all this garang lecturers make me wanna pull my hairs. my curtains. my cadar. oh god. i need peace at heart.

now im hesitating whether i should balik or not this weekend.

now, im speaking manglish because of that little ziqa. very manglish one that little girl!!

now, lets get over this. and resume doing something better than writing my minds out.

mind is a singular or plural?

i will end up texting and sleeping. typical me. typical psychotic.

yeay again for ipad mini! yeay!

alhamdulillah. kesian orang palestin takdapat makan sedap sedap while here i am yeaying over ipad :(